The Show Must Go On

I took  a  really long hiatus from  my blog. Really. Long. Not the first time.  Surely not the last either, sorry. Spoiler: I’m only human….

The 2015-2016 school  year really did a number on me mentally and emotionally. I rarely have moments whenliveinwhatishappening I rethink my choices or my commitment…or myself. I don’t mean to imply that I am impervious to self-doubt. There are  plenty of things that make me feel inadequate, believe me. But things that make me question my career path? Or at least the direction it is taking me or maybe those who I allow to travel with  me…

I  learned a lot from the mistakes and choices I made during the school year. Some of those  experiences were defeating. I started to  contemplate what I  might do on the off chance that teaching didn’t actually work out… Maybe I could apply to  work  at Disneyland. I  could focus on writing my book – which I started back  in December and haven’t been very diligent about working on (but I do have about 20+ pages written now…)

Learning painful lessons is not fun,  but I’m grateful for them anyway. Haha, today I whispered to fellow teacher that my rose colored “people-love-me” glasses had come off and  it was hard for me to have optimistic thoughts about the “why” in the choices other people make. There will  often be times where someone makes a decision that makes little sense to me (you) and it doesn’t matter that it isn’t what I (you) would have done. That doesn’t make what I (you) would have done better, just different (Though sometimes? Also better…maybe…).

I feel like, there are some mistakes that I like to repeat in my life. Maybe they aren’t “mistakes” so to speak, but similar choices that  don’t lead me in the direction that I wanted them to despite warning myself that they likely wouldn’t lead me where I wanted. Not unlike Little Red with Mr. Wolf in Into the Woods.

RED: Come what may, Follow the path And never stray.
WOLF: Just so, little girl- Any path. So many worth exploring. Just one would be so boring. And look what you’re ignoring…

It’s funny how, right now, that so clearly shows a classic temptation story. The allure of the unknown which takes the innocent away from the known, the safe, path. Despite the “excited and scared” feelings we might have, we sometimes take risks because of…hope we’ll  call it  curiosity, haha…

greaterpower

So, if we know that the thing we are choosing to do, possibly repeatedly, is dangerous, unfulfilling, or has other negative impacts on our mental, physical,  spiritual, and/or emotional  health….why do we continue to hold onto it or things like it?  Why do we rationalize their presence?

Like most people,  I thought “Heck yeah! 2016 will be awesome!” because 2015 kinda sucked. Not gonna sugar coat it. 2013-2015 were rough years for me. 2016 was supposed to be better, but it feels just as dramatic – maybe even worse than 2015 -…perhaps that’s why I’m a “drama teacher” now?  Haha, to use my life experiences to enhance my craft? Haha…

I want to be done holding onto things that don’t make me happy and stop defending things that give me additional  anxiety.  deepbreathletitgoI told someone that I thought I might have an anxiety problem and they were shocked because of the traveling I’ve done and so forth, but I do feel anxious a lot and many of the choices I make are made to battle those anxieties.

Try CrossFit? Compete in CrossFit? Teach? Teach in “the ghetto?”  Teach theatre (…in the ghetto)? Direct full productions?! Bring it on, I’m a survivor and I’ve been to 5 foreign countries and traveled solo on metros and airplanes… I can do it! But, like I said…  I  am only human! I bleed. And, despite what some may think,  I have… feelings. Sometimes the things people say (or do) hurt my feelings and make me feel like I’ve done something wrong.

But one thing I’ve been  learning,  is that sometimes other humans are just not very thoughtful and they don’t all think like me. Sometimes my expectations, which I hold myself to, are beyond what other humans can or want to give.

peterpan

And those are the humans, the  events, the things you have to let go of…sometimes it doesn’t  matter that we can hold on or  that we  can fight. It doesn’t  always mean we should.

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