Don’t Fight the Current

It’s been a really long time since I have made the time to write here. And as I always say, I have these moments where I long to hear the clickety-clack of the keys under my fingers, but tend to find myself called back to my responsibilities or the other things I want to do to procrastinate my responsibilities.

I often find myself reflecting on how quickly things can change. One minute a red light, the next a green light. Life is like that sometimes, though much messier with emotions (ours or the emotions of others); work opportunities (or a lack thereof); relationships (ending, beginning, wavering…); and anything else that adds to the every day. Last I wrote, I believe I was subbing here and there and working with an after school program. I was in what I thought was the budding stage of romance, working out regularly, working through the loss of my cousin, but generally happy.

Obviously, the fact that I thought a romance WAS budding means nothing really came of it. At least not really? I was actually rather frustrated with my work life too. I was making stupid compromises in some of my interpersonal relationships and just made some foolish choices. But since then my “regular” schedule has turned upside down. Life really has a way of working itself out if you stop trying to control every little detail. I still don’t really know where some of the friendships and relationships in my life are going, but I’m okay with where they are now. Mostly because I’m trying to focus on the things that I can control. Like myself. Haha…what a novel idea, hm? 

I was given the opportunity to return to my middle school and take on a long term position. It’s exciting and daunting all at the same time, but it reminded me why I went to school. Sure – grading is still a pain in the rear, the planning can be migraine and anxiety inducing, but I love the kids. I love their energy and they say some hilarious things. Here’s a little bit about my long term sub assignment. 8th grade English. 1 Honors class. And we are reading The Giver (which I love!). I am slowly learning alllll the names and getting back into the swing of the whole home and grading cycle.

The last thing I want to put in here, is a poem I wrote this last week. My cousin, Jon, has been on my mind lately. I never realized  how talented he was and that makes me sad. I’ve been listening to a song he recorded while on his mission and wanted to write something. It’s been awhile since I wrote anything that I was all that happy with, but here it is.

A Realization

Realizing that
The uncertainty was fear;
The shock was pain;
The anger was sorrow;
Realizing that
Those feelings
Were masks,
Were armor,
Protecting me
From what scared me
And made me feel vulnerable.
Realizing that fear,
Of possibilities was burdensome;
Of unworthiness was overwhelming;
Of rejection was unbearable.
Realizing that
I missed it
And that the fear
Is still there.
Realizing it is
Better to ride the wave
Rather than
Fight the current.
Feeling relieved
And revitalized;
I am not


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