I need to confess something. And I think I should give fair warning that this is not flirty title. This post is in no way a joke. I’ve been trying really hard not to feel this way or to allow myself to think it could even be a possible emotion that I would feel. I thought it was below me. I could never feel this way about the situation. And I was also trying really hard to keep it out of my blog, but I feel like I’m not being honest and it’s eating at me. It wasn’t until yesterday that I acknowledged an inkling of this particular emotion. (Kenpo X is great…) But here it is: I’m angry.
I am out right angry. I miss someone who broke my heart and at least a handful of promises. Someone I was planning a life with. Someone I was planning to uproot my life for. How could I not be angry about that? I think I had myself convinced that because I love him, and because in many ways I want him back, that I wouldn’t be, shouldn’t or don’t feel a least a little bit angry. I’ve had to fight to remember that I didn’t do anything wrong and that I am still a good person. As conceited or self-centered as that might be to say, I really didn’t. Despite things that were said about me that were not fair, I was honest, I was patient, I was kind, I was prayerful, I was supportive, and I fought for what I wanted and believed to be right and stepped back when I knew there was nothing else I could do and allowed my Father in Heaven to ease the ache that followed. Some days are alright, even good, and other days really suck, ya know? Doubt and fear can cause many problems in relationships and it is my opinion that those things are ultimately to blame for what happened. I still wonder if I did the “right things” or if there was anything else I could’ve or should’ve done. But like I mentioned yesterday, everyone has their agency and we must hope that that agency is used to make good choices.
So now what? I don’t want to be angry at him. It doesn’t feel good. I want good things to happen on all accounts. I want him to move forward with plans of getting more education. I want him to find a way to be the best man he can be. I want him to figure out how to be the man I saw in him, at all times. A man who has faith and is confident in himself and his decisions; who is happy and excited about life. A man who wants to be independent, who wants to provide for his (future) family, and a man who will stand up for the things that he knows are right and true, no matter what the consequence. I want most of all to know that he is not regressing. I frequently wonder if he reads this but I doubt he would. I wonder about him a lot. But we’re not talking. He was my best friend, a man who I wanted to marry and who wanted to marry me too, and now he doesn’t even try to talk to me. But, his choice, his move. I believe that man is still in there, I think he’s going through some things though. I don’t know if I’ll get to see him or talk to him again or if our paths will meet again, but I’m willing to have faith that this is for the best, whatever the outcome is. It hurts, but for now it’s all I can do.