When I was younger I used to play this game on Sunday’s that was a church computer game. It was called “Sunday, that one Day, That’s Different From All the Rest.” Or something like that. It was all about this rabbit family and the little town they lived in and the things they did on Sunday. Pretty cute, but today that phrase came to mind for reasons that are unrelated to video games…or church (to some extent).
I started my day off by not wanting to get out of bed. Not exactly unusual for a college kid, especially not on Sunday. I showered, got ready for church and listened to the scriptures and then some general conference talks too. I’m not bragging, just relaying a message I heard. I mean, I was listening to Uchtdorf, who I have to say may be my favorite. Anyway, I was listening to “You Matter to Him.”And I really felt like I mattered. I felt like everything was going my way and that I was going to have a great day. And then I did have a pretty great day. Met some new people. Talked to some not new people and overall felt pretty good. But then something happened. Now I’m, discouraged….again. The talk says, ” Another way Satan deceives is through discouragement. He attempts to focus our sight on our own insignificance until we begin to doubt that we have much worth. He tells us that we are too small for anyone to take notice, that we are forgotten—especially by God. … I knew that it didn’t matter to Heavenly Father where I was, where I ranked with others in my pilot training class, or what my calling in the Church was. What mattered to Him was that I was doing the best I could, that my heart was inclined toward Him, and that I was willing to help those around me. I knew if I did the best I could, all would be well.” And during Relief Society, this is the talk that we were learning from (predominantly). But that idiot is winning today somehow, I still feel alone. Or maybe lonely? And insignificant, scared and…dumb. I always feel dumb when I feel emotional.
I’m an adult, sometimes I don’t do things that are very adult. Sometimes I am very good at notbeing an adult. I know this. And I know that I came to this realization that sometimes being an adult means doing things I don’t want to do, several months ago, but that doesn’t make it any easier or less true now. Letting go of people that you love is hard. Letting go because it’s supposed to be the “right thing to do,” EVEN THOUGH it is kinda killing you to do it, is hard. It hurts, it’s depressing, it’s lonely, and it feels like it will never go away. I know, I’ve been there, most people have been there at least once. But what bothers me is that somehow engaged and married people seem to think it’s so easy to get engaged at that point. Like it’s just so friggin’ simple and you shouldn’t have to try SO hard or go through so much pain because it’s easy, but it’s not. In fact when I finally do find someone who 1. dates me even though
my family I, like my family, am kinda crazy 2. wants to marry me 3. actually asks me to marry them and 4. isn’t joking when they ask me to marry them I’m going to have an engagement party that’s more like a OMFG I MADE IT(!!!) party. And…it might be a party of one that involves a lot of grateful praying. Just sayin,’ but really….
I’m just so tired of feeling like this. Next weekend, home to CA. Weekend after that, home to CA again. And a month from then? Graduation and, you guessed it, back to CA.
Oh and one more thing….. I Won’t Give Up