Stranger in a Familiar World

Today is one of those days where typing has been fairly cathartic for me, but somehow the things I’ve written haven’t really been that helpful for me. One was actually pretty goood….but it might be kind of cheesy. Not cheesy in the sense of a Hollywood movie kind of cheesy, but I think it’s a little Hallmarky. But today I was hoping for a Hollywood cheesy moment in my life. Hahaha, yeah ask me if that happened…

Anyway, I am feeling like I’m a stranger in my own world. I sometimes think that I know exactly what I’m doing. Because I think about things. But in reality I think myself into a corner of self doubt or false security. And guess what I found in that little corner? I found that a lot of cliches are true. And I have also found that I make mistakes when I think too much about something without talking to people who really matter about the real problem. And it’s funny how many times I write the phrase “I think..” I think way too much and I should just actually do more feeling and talking to people in stead of just making decisions on my own. And that’s true about a lot of things.

So with that in mind here’s the part of my cathartic writing that I actually felt goood about. Call it two sides of the same coin….or maybe Dr. Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde.

“What’s so great about love? Why does it give us wings? What is it about this heart wrenching, stomach fluttering, insanity inducing…THING,” he shouted then took a breath and started again, “that makes us want to find that person that we want to give ourselves over to.  Why do we have this strange pull that comes from some place inside that makes us want to give ourselves fully to another person? Why do we let people get in close to our deepest feelings and fears, and share those deep, dark secrets that we’re scared to tell anyone else. Because we love them? And because they love us, or at least we hope they do. And because we hope they do we want them to understand who we are and what makes us who we are.  We open up to people but sometimes instead of opening up, we run, we hide, and push them away. Not because we don’t love them, but because we don’t think that there is any way they can really, truly love us. So we screw it up, before they can discover how flawed we really are.”

Brian looked at John for a moment , his face scrunched up, deep in thought. He was a pretty quiet guy most of the time. What would he know about love anyway? Granted he was a year or two older than John, but in all honesty Brian had never been one to share his opinions on things like love. Even when he’d asked him what he thought of a few of the girls he had gone on dates with. That’s it, Brian was clueless. He doesn’t know anything.

“Love is so tricky, because it has to last for a long time. Love has the capacity to transform lives, to save lives, and to connect two people in a way that most people are only lucky enough to experience truly and simultaneously with one other person in their whole lifetime. People confuse a lot of things for love. Lust, jealousy, fear, and even hate can sometimes be a disguise for love.  But the fact that love can knit two people together for time and in our case, all eternity?  Don’t you think that Heavenly Father loves His wife? Do you think it was easy for Him to find that love? I mean, I don’t think He would ask us to go through anything that He has not gone through. If He wants us to find love and thinks that we should have it in our lives forever, don’t you think it’s worth having? That it might be worth a little heartache to get it?

I don’t know exactly what I thought my life would be like when I got older. I guess I figured I’d have some fabulous story to tell and that I would be in a position where I could help people on a grand scale. But maybe there is another plan, a better idea for my life than the one I had imagined and I should let it unfold rather than try to to use it as origami to fit my own plan flawed perspective.

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