It’s So Unlike Me…

I’m kind of a boring person. At least, I think so… I’ve always done the “right” things because that’s how I was raised. I general had a “clean cut” look even if it wasn’t very feminine. Anyway, last week I shaved part of my head. Intentionally, yes.

Of course I was nervous. My hair probably hasn’t been that short since I was forced to wait for it to grow in as an infant. The scissors were honestly the worst part. She trimmed some of the hair away and the snip-snip-snipping made me feel uneasy, but it was done. The hair fell away and I looked at myself and knew that my mom would hate it, but that was okay.

I have done things outside of my comfort zone before and I felt like this particular thing wasn’t professional so I wasn’t sure I should actually do it, but then I remembered that I’m getting old and now is the time to do some of those “wild ” and “reckless” things I want to do simply because I want to do them.

I was surprised by how many people loved it as soon as they saw it. “It’s so you.” “It’s so cute.” “Oh my gosh, I love it.” “You’re bold.” That last one is a favorite of mine, mostly because I don’t consider myself “bold.” People seem to assume that because I teach theatre that I am somehow incredibly confident and outgoing. People forget or don’t realize that I was not born into theatre, I was converted to it. Not only that but I like to be off to the side directing not acting. So I honestly feel like I tend to do things that allow me to blend in if I can… I feel like I did something very unlike me and did something that the real me would totally love, but normally wouldn’t do because I worry about what other people think and I don’t want them to stop liking me or be disappointed in me because Ivee done something they wouldnt’ do themselves or maybe just don’t like the look of. I’ve teasingly told ex boyfriends or crushes that I was going to shave my head to see what their reactions would be…but I like my hair, I wouldn’t want to part with all of it. That’s scary to me.

The other popular response has been “why did you shave your head?” And I think the reason is that I needed a change that made me feel good about myself and allowed me to express myself in a way that was non threatening and not entirely permanent. Obviously I can’t just unshave my head, but I can cover up the short areas with  other hair and hair grows back. And I kinda figured any guy who is going to love me for this life and the eternities will be able to love me because of, in spite of, or even despite some my hair style. Plus it makes me feel like Lagatha from Vikings…she’s kind of one of my heroes these days…

I met a new friend this week. I think she’s going to help with the plays.

The Show Must Go On

I took  a  really long hiatus from  my blog. Really. Long. Not the first time.  Surely not the last either, sorry. Spoiler: I’m only human….

The 2015-2016 school  year really did a number on me mentally and emotionally. I rarely have moments whenliveinwhatishappening I rethink my choices or my commitment…or myself. I don’t mean to imply that I am impervious to self-doubt. There are  plenty of things that make me feel inadequate, believe me. But things that make me question my career path? Or at least the direction it is taking me or maybe those who I allow to travel with  me…

I  learned a lot from the mistakes and choices I made during the school year. Some of those  experiences were defeating. I started to  contemplate what I  might do on the off chance that teaching didn’t actually work out… Maybe I could apply to  work  at Disneyland. I  could focus on writing my book – which I started back  in December and haven’t been very diligent about working on (but I do have about 20+ pages written now…)

Learning painful lessons is not fun,  but I’m grateful for them anyway. Haha, today I whispered to fellow teacher that my rose colored “people-love-me” glasses had come off and  it was hard for me to have optimistic thoughts about the “why” in the choices other people make. There will  often be times where someone makes a decision that makes little sense to me (you) and it doesn’t matter that it isn’t what I (you) would have done. That doesn’t make what I (you) would have done better, just different (Though sometimes? Also better…maybe…).

I feel like, there are some mistakes that I like to repeat in my life. Maybe they aren’t “mistakes” so to speak, but similar choices that  don’t lead me in the direction that I wanted them to despite warning myself that they likely wouldn’t lead me where I wanted. Not unlike Little Red with Mr. Wolf in Into the Woods.

RED: Come what may, Follow the path And never stray.
WOLF: Just so, little girl- Any path. So many worth exploring. Just one would be so boring. And look what you’re ignoring…

It’s funny how, right now, that so clearly shows a classic temptation story. The allure of the unknown which takes the innocent away from the known, the safe, path. Despite the “excited and scared” feelings we might have, we sometimes take risks because of…hope we’ll  call it  curiosity, haha…


So, if we know that the thing we are choosing to do, possibly repeatedly, is dangerous, unfulfilling, or has other negative impacts on our mental, physical,  spiritual, and/or emotional  health….why do we continue to hold onto it or things like it?  Why do we rationalize their presence?

Like most people,  I thought “Heck yeah! 2016 will be awesome!” because 2015 kinda sucked. Not gonna sugar coat it. 2013-2015 were rough years for me. 2016 was supposed to be better, but it feels just as dramatic – maybe even worse than 2015 -…perhaps that’s why I’m a “drama teacher” now?  Haha, to use my life experiences to enhance my craft? Haha…

I want to be done holding onto things that don’t make me happy and stop defending things that give me additional  anxiety.  deepbreathletitgoI told someone that I thought I might have an anxiety problem and they were shocked because of the traveling I’ve done and so forth, but I do feel anxious a lot and many of the choices I make are made to battle those anxieties.

Try CrossFit? Compete in CrossFit? Teach? Teach in “the ghetto?”  Teach theatre (…in the ghetto)? Direct full productions?! Bring it on, I’m a survivor and I’ve been to 5 foreign countries and traveled solo on metros and airplanes… I can do it! But, like I said…  I  am only human! I bleed. And, despite what some may think,  I have… feelings. Sometimes the things people say (or do) hurt my feelings and make me feel like I’ve done something wrong.

But one thing I’ve been  learning,  is that sometimes other humans are just not very thoughtful and they don’t all think like me. Sometimes my expectations, which I hold myself to, are beyond what other humans can or want to give.


And those are the humans, the  events, the things you have to let go of…sometimes it doesn’t  matter that we can hold on or  that we  can fight. It doesn’t  always mean we should.


I have been thinking about opposition. By definition it is, a conflict, a resistance or disagreement. But I have been thinking about opposition on a deeper, more spiritual level. Bare with me here…I remember when I was about 12 years old (I think…it might have been a little later than that…I’m fuzzy on it right now…), I was going through a very tumultuous time in my life. It wasn’t like Joseph Smith whose family was pulling in so many directions as to which church to believe in and attend, but I was feeling like my life was not going the way it was supposed to. My parents were separating and would likely divorce and my grandmother had died recently.

We were on this family trip to visit church history sites back East and I was miserable. I was annoyed by everything. I was angry with my mom and everyone else, because no  one seemed to understand that I was not okay, but I didn’t want to actually talk about what was going on either. I enjoyed being around my cousins during the trip, but more than anything I liked listening to my angsty teenage music – namely Linkin Park. I listened to that CD over and over again the entire trip. And that might have been part of the problem. Not that the lyrics were all that bad, but the Spirit couldn’t be with me,couldn’t speak to  me. Probably because I was listening to the CD so loud. Like as loud as my ears could handle…


But at one point in the trip, we went to the Sacred Grove.


If you don’t  know anything about the history of the LDS church, (The Church  of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), the Sacred  Grove is in Upstate New York and it is the approximate location of where Joseph Smith knelt to pray after being prompted by scripture to ask  God which church was correct so  that he  might join it. It is also the place in which God the Father and his son Jesus Christ appeared to Joseph in order to answer his prayer.

Anyway, when we got to the edge of the grove, there was a sign that talked about how it was a holy place and I stopped to think about what happened there. I purposely separated myself from my family. I wanted to be by myself and I realize now that I was searching for an answer. I was having my own Joseph Smith moment… I was trying to understand why all these things were happening to me if the gospel was true. Somehow I felt that because my family was going through a crisis that the church must not be entirely true. How could it be when families are supposed to  be together forever and my eternal family was broken? As I wandered behind my family, listening to the rustling leaves, the squirrels under the fallen leaves, and in the branches above me, I had a thought.

It was as if someone asked me, if the church, if the gospel isn’t true, why was there a force working so hard to keep one 14 year old boy from saying a prayer? Why was there a darkness seeking to destroy this one boy with a simple but important question?

It occurred to me that if Satan was working that hard to keep something from coming to this earth, then it must be true. I started to understand that if Joseph hadn’t felt confused, he wouldn’t have felt the clarity of the answer he received. If he hadn’t been assaulted by darkness, he would not have felt the peace of the light of Christ and our Father in Heaven. If he had not experienced those things, he would never have had the strength, the faith, and the ability to move forward and endure the trials he would face as a witness of God, a prophet of God, and the man who would translate the Book of Mormon.

Then I started to understand that if I believed all  of those things really happened, then I must believe in the Book of Mormon, if I believe in the Book of Mormon then I must also believe in its teachings. If I believe in what the Book of Mormon teaches, then I must also believe in the gospel and the doctrine it teaches.

And while this answer didn’t explain why I personally was dealing with what I felt like was the end of the world, it did reassure me that if I would just continue to be faithful and try to do the things the Lord asked me to do that I could eventually come to understand the hardships that I was asked to endure and would continue to be given to test and shape me into the person He needs me to become.

I have a testimony of opposition. I know that without opposition we are less likely to succeed. We are less likely to value the blessings in our lives, that we are less likely to be grateful when we are blessed and humble and repentant when we have made a mistake.

I won’t claim to have a perfect understanding of my trials or why I have been asked to endure them, but I continue to gain understanding that they have purpose, that Heavenly Father fulfills his promises when I keep my covenants.

Please Excuse the Interruption…

As a teacher, you probably have  memories or reactions to that when it comes  out over the loud speaker. Usually, it’s nothing important. Usually, it’s  some nonsense that could have been an email, but not every teacher checks their email incessantly.

This year, I  have grown accustomed to  hearing the title of this post blaring in my classroom only to be followed by “…teachers, please lock  your doors. We are  on lock-down. Please do not allow students  to leave your room and  allow students who are outside to come inside.  We will be sending updates via email.”

Yeah, I’m accustomed to these messages. It does not surprise me to  hear  it. It doesn’t really even make me nervous anymore. I’m not sure  if that is a good thing or  not.   But this year we have had a lot of incidents that  have  resulted in trying to come up with a safety plan so that I can  protect my students and myself.

Given that I’m in an actual theater that happens to have classroom spaces attached to it…there are lots of doors to keep  in mind when developing a plan. A few weeks ago it became a huge concern of mine when threats were  made on  the school. I thought about it for a long time. I  thought about all the doors. I thought  about what the doors are  made  of and  how they open and lock. I developed my own plan and figured if anything were to happen, we’d be okay.

Yesterday we had  a mini lock-down that was precautionary. There was a police investigation in  the surrounding neighborhood. One of my students asked me if I would protect them, like put myself in  front of them if  someone came into our  classroom with a gun. I  said,  of course. Especially since it’s  kind of part of  my job, but regardless I would. I  care about them. And if I can protect them, I will. I’d tell them where to go and what to do and  hope that I  could delay the intruder long enough for them to get  to safety.

I think what  bothers me the most, the real reason I’m writing this whole thing…I think  it comes down to the fact that it is absolutely scary to think this way. The reality of world is that there are enough people in the world who no longer value human life, who do not know  how to look passed differences  and love people despite the differences, there are  people who have decided it is their  mission  to  take  out as many people they can  because of  something they believe  in. Because obviously,  that’s the way you get someone to convert or to  change opinions. I mean,  it’s worked so well throughout history.

It’s sad to  me. It’s sad to me that this world has grown to be so  much more dangerous and cruel. Children are  forced to grow up  to soon, they’re taught to be “sexy” and to “get lit,” they’re taught that everyone should win even though that’s 100% a lie. They don’t know how to  work for things and they think it’s funny to threaten other people like  it doesn’t actually mean anything.

This morning I was reading  in Mosiah 29:26-27 (from the Book of Mormon) and it hit me really hard.

“26. Now it is not common that the voice of the  people desireth anything contrary to that  which  is right; but it is common for the lesser part of the people to desire that which is not right; therefore this shall ye observe and make it your law–to do your business by the voice  of the  people.

“27. And if the time comes that the  voice of the people doth choose iniquity, then is the time t hat the judgments of  God will come upon you; yea, then is the time he w ill visit you with great destruction even  as he has hitherto visited this land.”

Signs of the times.


Oh, you’re a teacher?

Last year, around this time of year, I was feeling pretty discouraged about my daily life. I had just finished working a long-term sub job that had me reconsidering whether or not I wanted to be a teacher at all. I was still working for an after school program that really didn’t fit my ideals and while many of the students seemed to benefit from going through the program, I couldn’t help feel like it wasn’t the right place for me. I was also getting ready to compete in a CrossFit competition (that was still one of the highlights of that year…) and then I was going to go to Israel. Last year was definitely full of awesome experiences, but also some pretty challenging ones as well. I said a lot of goodbyes and put a lot of things on hold so that I could accomplish some of the things that I needed to do for work. And there were times where the stressful factors in my life actually had nothing to do with work.

If  you had told me then that I would be teaching Theatre at a high school a year later I would have laughed at you. I would probably be really curious too, but I would have been laughing. I had already considered that for the school year that was quickly coming to an end and then, when it was evident that I was not going to get the job, I dismissed the possibility. If you had told me that I would love and hate my job all at once, I would shrug my shoulders and probably thought you were crazy. But it is a year later and I’m no longer working as a sub in two school districts or working for an after school program. I am a full-time Theatre teacher. I teach 6 class periods out of a 7 period day (including 3 sections of MYP and IB focus courses), I am the Drama Club adviser, and I am in charge of the after school productions.

Never would I have believed that, in my first year as a teacher, I would get to do so many challenging and unique things. Never would I have believed that it was as hard as it is. Never would I have believed all the craziness! But I would also never have believed that I would love it as much as I do. Now, even though I love it I’m not going to say I’ve never wanted to tear my hair out. Like I said, a lot of things happened to me in my personal life that had nothing to do with work, but found a way to infiltrate behind enemy lines so to speak and cause problems. I think that will always have a tendency to happen, but eventually I will get better at checking the issues in the car and picking them up later.

Anyway, I’m  going to create a list here…. things I didn’t know about being a teacher – specifically being a Theatre teacher and sometimes about being a White teacher/person:

  1. Directing/Producing a play is really difficult.

    I need like 5 more of me during the weeks leading up to show nights.

    You have to coordinate multiple teenagers, you have to run many tabs in your brain at once (acting, technical, and financial) while assigning teens to do things you’re not even sure how you would do if you were their age.

  2. Acting can be really difficult.

    I never thought about how hard acting might be. I think it was always something I thought I wanted to do and when I did have opportunities to do it, I did kind of love it. But now, as an adult, I’ve a lot of inhibitions that keep me from jumping into the subject matter. I’ve lost a little of the “reserved” nature, but I’m still reluctant to do certain things….life memorize lines for a production.
  3. There are some kids who don’t want to be there.

    These kids are pretty good despite not wanting to be in class. They’ll do their work quietly and do whatever it takes to get a passing grade.
  4. There are more kids who really don’t want to be there.

    They will make your life a miserable mess. They don’t do work, they don’t even pretend to pay attention in class, sometimes they don’t even come to class for several days or even weeks simply because they don’t want to be there. And most of them are so addicted to their phones, they can’t be bothered to pay attention.
  5. There are a lot of kids who do not understand when certain activities or topics are not appropriate for the classroom…

    Even if it’s “medicinal” you shouldn’t be using it at school….

  6. Politics around arts in education is bipolar
  7. Some of them don’t know what it feels like to be sunburned.
  8. Your students will probably not understand any of your figurative language.

    Or… “You make a better door than window…”

    They won’t get it…. and even when you explain…they still won’t get it.

  9. But they will expect you to understand their weird slang
    1. “on point” is way cooler than “on fleek” and describes how awesome something is… shoes, eyebrows, selfies…
    2. “af” is an acceptable description of how much of something you or something else is; how tired you are, how majestic you are…
    3. “squaring up” is not something you want to have done in your classroom
    4. you don’t ever want to be a “thought” and if you call someone “a thought” you better “square up.”
    5. “Come at me” is not an invitation you should take lightly
    6. You gotta keep it “one hun-erd” with them
    7. “Throwin’ shade” may lead to the invitation to “come at” someone while you are “squared up”

      Not a new concept, though a bit more harsh….

      Even Jeopardy knows….

    8. “______ is life” is a serious commitment
  10. They will do anything for hot Cheetos
  11. It’s probably okay to let them go to the “liquor” to buy Hot Cheetos
  12. Theater and Theatre are 2 different things.
    1. Theater is a place, building, etc

      This is not my theater…

    2. Theatre is the actual performance etc

      Not my students…

  13. Costuming is hard to do
    Finding the right size, the right look, and not breaking the bank on clothing….hard. I’ve come to really love thrift stores…
  14. Set design is hard to do
    I really need to learn how to build things. I can draw them out fairly well, but the implementation is still a bit shakey. I have the power tools and the materials to do it….I just don’t have the know-how…
  15. IB sucks the life out kids, but also gives them a taste of what college is like…
    I nearly tore my hair out. I was nervous. I wanted to get a perfect pass rate. I’m pretty sure I didn’t…
  16. Theaters can be really creepy
    I think ours might have a spirit of some kind living there with all the rats and other critters…
  17. Some textbook distributors will give you free samples of the books about theatre…FREE…
    This would have been good to know months ago…
  18. Musicals are harder than plays.
    Coordinating with the music director to make sure that everyone is learning their part on top of all the other stress of a play is quite stressful. I would not recommend taking it on all on your own.
  19. You will spend so much time with your theatre kids, you’ll wonder if you know anyone your own age.

It’s definitely been an adventure; an adventure I’m excited to continue pursuing. I know my Grandpa would be proud of the work I’m doing and that means a lot to me.

Until next time…whenever that it is.

Memories Past and Future

It appears that I am rather awful at remembering to make time to write on my blog. It’s a good thing that I don’t fantasize about becoming a widely followed and popular blogger who is sponsored. Haha, that dream would probably never come ture, but hey, that’s really okay with me… Last I wrote, I was filling out new hire paperwork and thinking about all the changes and choices I would be facing. So, let me give you a quick update!

September 23rd I started my first, full time teaching position. It’s not exactly what I had been educated in or what I had anticipated teaching… I guess you could say it’s been a lesson in adaptation and trial and error. It has definitely been a growing opportunity and an adventure. I’m teaching…


Theatre vs. Theater – Theatre is the performance aspect where Theater is the physical building… Mhmmm yeah… so interesting, I know…

Now, these are some of the questions that come up when I tell people that I’m teaching Theatre…

  1. Oh, so you must love acting?
    1. Uhm, I guess so…but –shrug– not really?
  2. Did you do drama in high school?
    1. headshake- Nope…
  3. Did you study drama in college?
    1. headshake- Nope…
  4. Have you been in a lot of plays?
    1. headshake- Nope…
  5. Do you have any experience with drama?
    1. -headshake- Not really, I was in a play when I was in 3rd grade, I was friends with people who were in drama when I was in high school, I took a few classes in college that were focused more on performance (Shakespeare and Bible as Lit), and recently I was in a “skit” for a church thing… But I love watching plays and musicals…
  6. So…how?
    1. Just what they offered me…and drama is covered by an English teaching credential… The teacher who held the position before me was also in a similar boat.

But, the truth is… I kind of love it. It’s probably one of the jobs I will look back on and think, “That was really fun.” Don’t get me wrong, it is also extremely challenging. For example, I am the Theatre department. Haha, yeah… I am the Theater/Theatre Director, I teach 6 classes of Theatre, 4 Intro classes, 1 Theatre 2 class, and an Advanced Theatre class. And among those classes, I am participating in IB and AP… I’m also the Drama Club adviser. I also get to run the after school program, which consists of putting on 2 productions each year, a Fall play and a Spring musical.


I’m teaching at a high school; I went to the homecoming game. We won!


I have A LOT of keys…. Some of them I don’t know how to use…


My classroom…back looking to the front….


My classroom from the front looking to the back…the giant grey thing is the air conditioning…


A view of the stage….


A view of the “house” where the audience sits…

I wanted to get my feet wet, I wanted my students to really get the most out of being in Theatre, and I wanted to make sure that the transition was smooth. I decided to go ahead and produce a play this Fall, despite not knowing exactly how that works. I was so grateful to have such an amazing predecessor, who gave me so much help with curriculum and even stuck around to show me how to run auditions. {In case anyone is wondering, snacks are a vital part of the audition process…} We produced The Crucible. It’s about the Salem Witch Trials essentially…if you haven’t seen it…I don’t know what to tell you. I’m not sure I’d recommend watching it. The movie is….-shrug– not that great, though it did help with some creative ideas…

20141202_164709 20141202_172043

I had a lot of fun and anxiety with this first production. I learned a lot, which was really the point. And while we had a lot of fun with this production, my kiddos are looking forward to the musical. I decided on Into the Woods. Most of the kids seems pretty excited and the more we talk about it, the more excited they get. They have even started planning the set! And really, the set was what gave me the most headaches. Scheduling was often a NIGHTMARE; between sports, other clubs, and academics (and probably a few other things I’m forgetting – OH! Doctor’s appointments…) it was sometimes hard to get a full cast together. And I think we had like 5 people drop out throughout the course of the play… Yeah, that was fun….

Anyway, we made it through it. I learned a lot about the traditions of this particular program that I think I will keep. And we’re going to hit the ground, mostly, running when we get back. Which reminds me of about 70 things I need to do in order to be ready…. haha – oy….

I don’t believe in coincidences. I really don’t. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that God is ever aware of the things we need and what others need. He knows what we’re capable of and I have a firm testimony that I am meant to be where I am right now for reasons that aren’t entirely clear to me right now. And I know that things happened the way they did so that I would be ready to take this opportunity on fully committed to doing the task at hand.

Other, perhaps random, things that have been going on….

  • I went to Arizona for Thanksgiving…
  • My students are both surprised and excited to discover that I can sing and play the piano….They want me to be in the musical, as in they want me to have a part….
  • I have had to take a involuntary break from crossfit because… I may or may not have a stress fracture in my clavicle. They’re really not sure what’s going on with it yet….

My MRI for my shoulder…

  • So in the mean time I have a 24 Hour Fitness membership (yay) so I can run after work in a relatively safe environment…


    Shameless and obligatory gym-bathroom-mirror-selfie

  • I got an annual pass to Disneyland!
    Which helped me really get into the Christmas spirit….after I had already done this…


    Yeah, I’m banned from crossfit, but I’m not going to quit completely….

  • 20141222_195347
    Beyond excited!
  • I played Santa’s Helper this year and got to assemble a train set by myself… Yes, it functioned properly…


    This transforms into a car….


    This is the car…

  • I got some really neat Christmas presents…


    This is probably my favorite gift….(the necklace…)

All in all, I guess 2014 has been an okay year. Nothing fantabulous has happened I guess. Israel was the highlight and getting a job was an amazing blessing. I didn’t “graduate” from anything. Many of my friends are reaching other milestones that I have yet to reach, but I think I’m okay with where I am right now. Friends have come and gone, so have love interests. And yet, I remain hopeful. I’m kinda feeling like a mix of the following songs…

  1. Dear No One – Tori Kelly  (lyrics)
  2. It’s Not Right For Your – The Script (lyrics)
  3. Style – Taylor Swift  (lyrics) the video is not the same version as is on the album….
  4. Kiss Me – Ed Sheeran (lyrics)
  5. Demons – Boyce Avenue cover (lyrics)

As 2015 approaches I can’t help but feel excited, nervous, and hopeful for the adventures that I will encounter. I hope that most of them will be fond memories and yet I know there will likely be some heartaches as well.

“Oh, if life were made of moments,
Even now and then a bad one-!
But if life were only moments,
Then you’d never know you had one.”
– Baker’s Wife

“Best to take the moment present
As a present for the moment.”
– Cinderella’s Prince

Until next time…

There’s a Sub…But Not For Long!

I kind of love being a substitute teacher. I know I went to school to be a full time teacher, and I still want that. I love the stability of having the same classroom everyday with the same set of students and knowing what will be on my lesson plan before I get to the classroom. But there is something about the “unknown” in subbing that I quite like. There’s a familiar phrase you hear from the doorway to some unseen figure, “Hey So-and-so has a sub today.” Which is usually met with something like, “Ah, sweet!”

They get so excited, like it’s going to be a party…

But, that usually makes me feel like I need to crack the whip – and that is usually in conflict with my desire to be the sub that students like to have. I don’t need to be a “cool sub,” but it’s nice to have students say hello in the hallway rather than roll their eyes and pray I’m not going to their classroom that day.

I mean, you don’t have to be mean as a sub.It might help, but more flies with honey. In this case, respect is the honey. That and being “real” with the yodel heads that try to stir up trouble.

I was in for a math teacher for a day this week. Usually, when teachers are out they don’t leave new material. This particular teacher has an IB class. IB is, from my understanding, another rigorous course not unlike AP. Eight, yes 8, students walked in. All male. A female TA came in as well. There are only 8 students in this class. They were amazing and so different from one another, but they were all willing to work with and learn from their peers. It was entertaining to hear them talking about the math, discussing how to negotiate the probability questions and reasoning them out into the right answers. It was essentially Greek to me.

At one point during the day the conversation and the way students listen turned the conversation to my not being married and the inevitable question of “why not?” came up. It sounded like someone said it was because I’m only eighteen, which of course I’m not. I’m twenty-six. Haha, but when I asked if that was what they said it was interpreted as being fact. Cat-calls ensued. I was pretty embarrassed.

Frequently, when things like this happen I am reminded of the reasons I wanted to teach and there are often times when I think that this generation isn’t all bad. There are a lot of stories in the news about bullying and, while I’m sure there are incidents that I don’t see, I also see a lot of students encouraging each other. Especially in the IB class and with the volleyball team that I was putting together.

Earlier this week I had interviews. These interviews have been weighing on my mind heavily and I turned to prayer and fasting for guidance and comfort. There are a lot of things that have been on my mind that I felt I needed some guidance and comfort in actually. I don’t believe in coincidences. I don’t think that things just randomly happen. I interviewed at a school several weeks ago and did not get the position, but received another phone call in regards to another position at the same school. I interviewed there on Monday and at another school on Tuesday. I didn’t actually feel as good about the Monday as I had when I interviewed with the school originally. Tuesday’s interview felt very natural and I had a good feeling about my experience.

So, imagine my surprise when Thursday at lunch, I received a phone call offering me a job at the school from Monday. I was so excited. I still am, but I guess I feel like something is missing. Not everything on my radar is falling into place the way I had hoped it would.

Life has a tendency to throw curve balls at the least opportune moments. Everything can change in a blink of an eye. And we can choose to be hopeful – to take people at their word – and risk heartache and misery, potentially bitterness. We can choose to be “realistic” and declare everyone to be evil fiends who are out to hurt, ruin, and destroy all the good in the world. Admittedly, sometimes it feels good to give in to that anger. Sometimes it’s great fuel, but it’s not healthy.

Last night, after the excitement of the job offer, the successful volleyball practice with the finalized team, and the dress rehearsal for a silly church play a good little group of us went out for ice cream. We were in the parking lot and this guy, this character – who knew two members of our group, passed by and we somehow initiated a very strange and colorful interaction with him. It was very entertaining, but there were several times when this guy said that we need to stay strong in our faith and build our relationship with God because despite what religion, race or whatever else might be used to define us, we are beautiful people and we can do anything.

I don’t really know what my point is tonight. My mind is rambling and really I’m trying to distract myself. I’ve been writing poems, maybe they’re song lyrics… Reflecting a lot… I was thinking about posting one, but now I’m not sure if I should. It’s interesting how you can go from


IANYWAYS…what’s really been on my mind in relationship to subbing and teaching is that there is a part of me that is scared of having my own classroom and students who are my responsibility. I’m not scared because I don’t think I can do it. I know I can. I’ve been trained for it and now it’s go time.

I’m scared of what it means about my life. I will have so many choices ahead of me. Choosing to take the position means I have to give up my volleyball team. While that’s not the end of the world, and I will likely have more opportunities to coach in the future, it will be sad to tell the girls. Next week, I’ll go in and fill out new hire paperwork and I’ll have to figure out “benefits” for health coverage. Then I will have to figure out what the heck is going on in my classes and learn the names of 150 or so students. I’ll be figuring out BTSA. I’ll have to put my classroom together. Good thing I have a few posters scavenged from student teaching. Perhaps, this will be well timed chaos. Depending on how I, and my car, handle the commute I might have to get a new car or maybe I’ll end up relocating. I guess what I’m really saying is, the realization that I am becoming a REAL adult finally hit me.

I’m embarking on a new adventure. I know my destination, I have my compass, I don’t know what troubles I will face, but I feel like I’m missing my co-pilot.